fic ] [ there may not be meaning so find one and seize it

[imbeds]

♪ Logan can't remember their mother very well. Funny all the details that stick in his mind - little facts, spells, the components to use in them and the methods of casting, the locations in the world, and the depths of the history of the continent itself.

But he can't quite remember his mother - not enough to conjure her vision in any sort of accuracy from multiple attempts at casting illusory image like it might be plucked from his mind and placed in front of him. He cannot conjure the evening to search for the clues he was too young and full of grief and anger to pick out then.

He remembers the warmth of her arms around him. He remembers the gentleness of her smile. He remembers they lived in the woods, in neighborhoods, in cities - always moving until they were not any longer. Adam was his only friend because they never stayed anywhere long enough.

Then he remembers Adam holding him close so he wouldn't see her body (and where did Adam come from? How long has he been there? Why is he covered in blood?), but he caught a glimpse anyway.

He remembers burying his face in his older brother's chest and screaming.

He remembers the 'R U N' scrawled in her blood on the cobblestone beside her.

From who? From what? There aren't answers, and his mind at any age always craves answers.

-----

They do not get answers.

They get the opportunity to fight to survive.

Adam is far better at that than him knowing how to steal so they can eat, knowing the best place in this city to scramble into when it gets cold so they can sleep somewhere warm, knowing how to avoid the right people and make friends with the wrong people and how to get them money.

It's Logan who is always questioning and always trying to learn even when there's no one to teach him. He wants to chase clues that are gone. He wants to investigate, but first they need food so they're not hungry, first they need to do what it takes to make a place for themselves so they'll be okay.

And eventually they do. Logan may not be as good at Adam at surviving, but he can follow instructions and he learns everything his brother says. He does. They even get a little place for themselves (nothing fancy, not even a bedroom to it, but a kitchen and a table, and two cots to sleep on which is more than they had when their mom was murdered), which also means they're tied in with some crime lord or another. And Logan worries about this, but Adam reassures him that it won't be forever.

And Logan believes him.

---

"What happened that night?"

For all Logan's smarts, he cannot remember how many times he asked this of Adam through the years they survived together, lived together.

Adam's answer never changed, and he goes far off like something hurts him (and it reminds Logan that he's still young too, sometimes Logan forgets that because he always seems like he has it all together), and shakes his head. "I don't remember." His hand reaches out, resting on Logan's shoulder or his head or something, "I'm fuckin' sorry."

"It's okay." He hugs him back to make sure he knows it. Adam does a lot already. It's okay. It is.

And even though his mind keeps working, wondering - how can he learn? It's important to learn what happened to their mother, what happened to Adam, what happened and will it happen again, and why were they running?

In this moment, in the dark and the warmth and the reality of his brother breathing behind him, it is okay. He vows he'll figure it out when he's old enough to do so.

------

At some point in their survival, Adam talks about how Logan is meant for more than this, more than the streets. He's too smart for all this, and he knows how much he wants to learn and how capable he is of learning more. Logan protests even though some part of him does yearn for it, for an Academy, for learning, for knowing more, but his place is with his brother.

He doesn't want to leave him alone even if they've got a little group of young kids caught out on the street. It's not theirs really - it's the crime lord's, but they're the ones that watch out for the rest of them.

Adam insists.

And eventually Logan agrees if only because he remembers his vow, and he's not going to figure anything out while he is here.

He's young still by the time they've raised the money they need to get him there to the Soltrice Academy. If he shows enough promise, he'll be taken in one way or another so they have to hope that's the case. Adam's confident it is.

Saying goodbye is more painful than he anticipates it being. Like he's worried it'll be the last time he sees him. Maybe they both are. It always feels like Adam has one foot over the edge, like he assumes the next step might just do him in.

But it won't. It can't.

------

They keep in touch via letters which is... difficult because his brother isn't one for saying much. Eventually Logan gains spells so he can send him messages, and it's a little better that way but Adam never is very revealing.

Logan has started to become suspicious about the Academy. It's like another mystery that's popped up while he's trying to look into the other one (or maybe it's all somehow related, tangled together in ways bigger than he can imagine). Then the warning comes next from his brother in a vague manner that's not satisfying enough in any sense of the word.

Jo says to be careful.

Who is Jo? What does she know? The warning comes right in time, because he doesn't want to stay any longer to find out what has him on edge, and there's clearly something more going on with his brother. He's not in the same city. He's with new people, and he doesn't trust Adam to be entirely forthright when it comes to his own ...shit.

So he packs it all up, he leaves, shoving down the fact that his vow isn't anywhere near fulfilled, filing question after question among the line of them in his head. He's got his brother to find and whoever this Jo person is too. It's time to turn all he's learned and actually use it for something for a change, use it for good, use it to stop people from losing their mothers or brothers or whoever else.

Stop chasing mysteries that can't be solved (or that's what he tells himself).